Sometimes life is just... hard.

An honest share...

I’ve spent the last 2 weeks feeling the pressure to share on Substack.

Which is sort of the antithesis of how I generally feel about this platform. By no means do I blame Substack, but rather that old feeling of needing things to be perfect, tailored and inspiring.

Because in reality… life has been anything but.

So, rather than share something perfect, I’m sharing something real.

Shoutout to

Grace Abbott

for the nudge — her latest article is all about stepping into your power through creativity.

I’ve had a slow, steady stream of new followers recently, due to one of my Notes getting some traction, so for those who don’t know me, here’s a very brief introduction:

Hi! I’m Kelly. I’m 36 years old, I recently moved to a small town outside of Asheville, NC (after living in NYC, LA and London for most of my adult life) and earlier this year I launched my third business, COED Collective — a non-toxic clothing company made from regenerative/organic cotton, dyed with plant dyes, designed to be entirely biodegradable with a fully traceable American supply chain. Besides being a serial entrepreneur and constantly dreaming up new businesses, I have a deep love for beauty (namely, interiors and European architecture) but also for spirituality, which is my favorite topic to write and speak about.

A little over 4 weeks ago, I tore my meniscus in a bad way.

Despite being completely bedridden for the first week, I was optimistic and in a very calm mental state. The experience brought me straight into my body. I felt very present to life. Outside stressors simply didn’t matter — meetings, commitments, travel, friends… all on pause. I was in a lot of physical pain, but my spirit felt at ease.

Fast forward to today… 4.5 weeks since the tear. I’m still unable to walk without assistance, I cannot fully extend my knee, and I’m watching my left leg atrophy before my eyes. I absolutely am improving each week, but that lovely, calm mental state I had week one is long gone. And with each passing day, it’s all beginning to feel a bit like 2020 — as my mother recently put it — “had we known at the beginning how long it would drag out, we would have lost our minds.”

Similarly, had I known on the day of the tear that I still wouldn’t be walking 4+ weeks later, I would have lost it. But it’s a day by day by day thing, and I’m simply forced to be present.

Let me pause here and acknowledge that life and this tear could be worse. So much worse. I have been humbled on this journey. If you’ve ever been on crutches or in a wheelchair, you know just how non-ADA compliant this world is and how truly challenging it must be for those who are permanently disabled. I had no idea. No idea. Truly, I cannot image.

AND…

And…

And… My experience is the one I’m having. And some days, it just feels hard.

What I hadn’t expected was just how directly this meniscus tear would impact my business.

Running a business like COED is a lot of work — especially in the early days when you’re wearing every single hat (iykyk) — but trying to do it with limited mental and physical capacity is something I hadn’t even considered. Right now, it feels like I’m carrying COED up Mount Everest on my back and its success depends entirely on me making it to the top with a bum leg.

As I write this out, I have an internal monologue saying: “stop complaining, you sound like a victim.” Well, gosh darnit, I’m letting myself be a victim for a second!

Because, while I don’t believe in stewing in our own stories of limitation. I do believe in saying “shit, I’m having a hard time right now.”

I suppose what I’m trying to do is validate myself and anyone else who has the unbelievable guts it takes to do the thing you love, even when it’s the hard thing… even when shit hits the fan and you injure yourself, making the hard thing even harder. Because the truth is, good things in life require you to step out of your comfort zone. And if you’ve ever exited your comfort zone, you know that it comes with a multitude of wild emotions — but it also comes with sweet, sweet gifts. The true nectar of life.

I used to think that anything that was meant for me would flow easily and effortlessly into my life. Ah… naive, pre-dark-night-of-the-soul Kelly. But I have a very different opinion on that now.

Sometimes, life is just plain hard. It is simply part of the deal we make when choosing to come Earth side. It’s in these hard moments that I actively lean into my edges and question the stories arising… but I also lean deeper and deeper into trust that God is guiding me.

Right now, I’m being stretched, but I know that with the stretching comes grace. And despite the hard, I actually feel more certain in God’s plan for me than ever — even with all the uncertainty swirling in my head.

How much can we trust in God’s plan for our lives? How much control can we release when things aren’t going our way, without stepping into victimhood? How much can we do these things especially when it feels like God doesn’t have our backs?

A mantra I’ve been repeating multiple times daily: I have certainty in the Light of God. I trust in God’s plan.

It’s a reminder that I’m not doing this hard thing alone… and neither are you.

Despite this image having absolutely nothing to do with this article, it makes me feel calm. Hopefully it does the same for you!